He said, “you put 50 into work, 50 into the family, and 100 into nothing.”
Somehow, working to bolster our income had taken away from my value as a partner and provider. I split myself down the middle and everything was suffering.
I mean, how can you give 100% when your heart or head are always elsewhere?
I guess I’ve discovered the crux of the issue for every mother, whether she’s working from home, out of the home, on the home, or on her own. There are always sacrifices and, unfortunately, we make the most of them, first and foremost being the sacrifice of ourself. Physically and emotionally.
I’m struggling to find any kind of balance between work, home and self, specifically, since my office is beside the kitchen and daycare is my lap. I see single mothers who seem to have it all down to a science and aggravates my guilt complex. What am I doing wrong?
In an ideal world, I wouldn’t feel driven to produce on every level, to justify my existence as a mother and a caregiver and a valuable member of society (because I both generate revenue for the system and generate good kids). It really is unfair the roles that are thrust upon a woman, let alone a mother. But is that in our head?
The question I ask myself daily, “how can I be enough?”
The answer I wish would eliminate my guilt: “you already are.”
At home. At work. You are enough.
I see my mom friends striving for the same justification, apologizing for their homes or their hair. You are more than enough. You are perfect to me. You are my village.
The legacy I want to leave behind is a family unit that is stable, and the idea that women – mothers – don’t have to struggle to have it all because they already do. We don’t have to do it all because “it all” doesn’t really fucking matter.
What do you want to see when you finally look back on your life? That’s a tough question to ask when you’re wading through the muck, you can see dry land behind you and up ahead but right now your chest deep and all you can think about is mud.
Can you take a moment to appreciate what came together to create that mud? The pieces that fell into place for you to be in this exact moment at this exact time? Maybe it feels wrong but doesn’t it also kind of feel right?
They say if you get stuck in quicksand, the more you struggle the faster you sink. I’ve never been stuck in quicksand and I probably never will be but I don’t think a more apt allegory can be made. The harder you fight the stress and anxiety and struggles of this life, the faster you sink – into guilt, depression, inaction.
If you can take a moment to appreciate where you are – once a day, once a week, even once a month – maybe it won’t feel like such a struggle anymore, split down the middle or not.
In the words of the ineffable Kimmy Schmidt: “You can do anything for 10 seconds.”
Someday I’ll get organized and I’ll be on time with washed hair and clothes that fit and I’ll be 100% present and 100% involved but for today, for now, I’m going to count and I’m going to keep wading through that muck because I may be split down the middle but I’m always 100% mom and there’s nothing he or anyone can do or say to take that away from me. When I look back, that’s who I’m going to see.